I was going to title this post, ‘Walking on Ashes,’ but perhaps now that I am sitting down to write it, I am just a wee bit further along in my journey through the big transition I am presently navigating in my personal life. The image of walking on ashes was, for me, an image of softly treading (barefoot, of course!) on the barely-cooled ashes of the fire of (emotional) destruction which had been blazing long enough to have reduced seemingly everything back to its earthen core. All illusions burned to the ground. Dreams shattered, and heartfelt, hard-earned creations and manifestations now without breath or sustenance. I felt myself in a bit of a daze, as if “walking on the ashes” of what was, while not quite yet able to see clearly to the next horizon. I imagined myself walking softly, tentatively, on the ashes of what was, as the mercury of my anger and the initial shockwaves of grief were gradually cooling down over the passing of a few months, and I was finally ready to surrender to some bigger unseen plan, still beyond my human access.
‘Blessing the Ashes’ feels perhaps more accurate now, as I find myself (at least on some days!) more able to look with compassion and fondness upon what was (before complex human entanglements somehow rendered it into an ugly distortion), with all its beauty, creativity, spontaneity, love and earnestness. A little space apart from the entanglements gives me perspective about what ultimately sucked away the life-force of the forms that were, and forced change upon what was no longer serving. I am speaking of the domino-effect dissolutions of partnership, home, and business dreams.
First carefully walking on the ashes, and then feeling the beginnings of a readiness to bless those ashes, with gratitude for what was and compassion for the struggle, I found that I became able to make clear decisions about what was salvageable from the wreckage, and what was not. The #1 salvageable thing is my own sense of intact Self, thank God. With even just a tiny bit of quiet personal re-grounding space, this is what quickly surfaces (why intentional grounding time is such a critical practice!). And that one thing is the core of resiliency. This is the one thing that cannot be taken from us without our consent. I believe there is an eternal element, as well, which can never be violated or given away - it just IS, pure perfection always, no matter what external drama is playing itself out.
And the #2 salvageable thing is my commitment to my service in the world, the mark I have made with the duration of my steadfast commitment to the dream-profession I created for myself, and which emerged organically through my own healing process 20 years ago, and my willingness to share my discoveries and my desire to help others end their suffering. The beauty of choosing to be my own boss is that my work is of my own creation, and it has the flexibility and resilience to sway and bend and shape-shift along with me, as I learn and grow along my way. This authentic ‘right livelihood’ is a part of me, a part that I have never abandoned.
Monumental transitions sometimes require monumental stamina. In my experience, they also flow better with a big dose of extra attention to cultivating intentional times of deep presence, daily and often many times a day. Morning and evening journaling, quiet solo barefoot walks in nature, time sitting in silence by the water each day, frequent self-inquiry and attention to the flow of feelings….these are my go-to grounding activities all the time, but simply cannot be skipped-over in times of great personal challenge.
The seemingly universal human tendency in times of stress is to want answers and direction. We don’t like to pause and be still with the discomfort, and just let it BE for awhile. We want the pain to go away. We want to be on the new path, already. We want to reach for the quick fix. We do not live in a contemplative society! We rarely allow sufficient time or space for grieving, reflecting, learning, and integrating (the stuff of true healing). We don’t feel deserving of this more open-ended or self-nurturing kind of time, we don’t feel we are allowed to take this time, we can’t stand the discomfort we believe we will have to endure, or we don’t believe we will have the kind of guidance we think we need.
Our default program is to get stuck in emotion and story, and/or to reach quickly to the right or to the left for something seemingly more solid. Anything to avoid facing the unfamiliar stillness in the center of us, or the inner turmoil that might bubble to the surface. And sometimes we are forced into a new situation, or for our own protection we must be nimble, and wisely jump into action in order to create a safe space in which the time for stillness and integration becomes more possible.
My personal journey is of course a microcosm of the transition our collective world is going through today. There are literal fires of destruction, taking many different forms, that are raging out of control all around us. Though there is great pain and suffering, in a larger picture all this chaos is ultimately serving to burn away that which does not serve humanity. Perhaps the hardest part is the indiscriminate way of fire - it cannot distinguish amongst material things, or even human lives, between what to burn and what to save. All that is in the path of the fire may be destroyed. It is only from the ashes, once cooled, that new, beautiful, pure and unencumbered growth can slowly take root, and begin to flourish in the nutrients from the compost of the ashes.
Here is a relevant paraphrase of song lyrics by ‘Nahko and Medicine for the People’:
“I will birth new life from darkness, like I always do, cuz I was f#@*ing made for this…. When I lost everything, I realized nothing happens to me, it’s all happening for me….With every stone they cast, I’ll build something that lasts. Thank God I don’t regret my past does not define what’s next for me. And I am enough. Just as I am….Here we are in the aftermath, dying to live is the only path. I could teach a f#@*ing master class, sh#t so heavy you just have to laugh….The one thing that remains, my willingness to change.”
It has been important to me to realize the essence of what cannot be burned away without my consent - my sense of Self, my eternal flame, and my depth of earned knowledge and experience in understanding the nature of healing and helping others to heal. Material forms, and relationships, are essential and useful creations, and we are understandably tempted to become attached to them, especially once we have invested our resources in them. Yet they can be rebuilt and reconfigured. Understanding this, and applying this understanding, brings trust and freedom to our journey here.
I will close with some tools that have helped me in my many times of loss, transition and rebuilding:
You are so beautiful, I’m so glad I’m not far from you in physical distance. Always, thank you ❤️