As many of my readers know, I recently sold my house and moved to a new one. Within the first month or so, the buyers of my previous home, and myself at my new home, have both erected new fences where none existed before. Theirs is eight feet high, runs the whole 125-foot length of the southern property line, and required the removal of large living trees. Mine is six feet high, just 48-feet long (only a part of my northern border), and leaves an eight-foot gap for a large existing bush to happily stay put. As far as I know, our primary aim was the same: more privacy. And, as far as I know, none of us dislikes the neighbors on the other side of the boundary. Their fence provides a near-complete separation; mine only partial. I generally enjoy encouraging some sense of easy-going relations with my neighbors, yet I also wanted privacy around my bedroom, hot tub, and backyard sun-bathing spot. Also, shorter fence sections will be less vulnerable in a hurricane, and require less maintenance.
Given that my new fence is not very imposing, and is the nice-looking ‘shadow-box’ style, I did not anticipate the challenges that quickly arose. Although, I had been gently forewarned that my friendly, caring neighbor is also “really, really from Mars” (a reference to the infamous book: ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’), and “has an opinion about everything.”
I went over to introduce myself, and found him and his wife to be very warm and welcoming. They invited me in, and we had a nice getting-to-know-each-other chat. Then, I mentioned my plans to build a small fence. He came outside to take a look at the site, and had lots to say. Synchronistically, another adjacent neighbor had just the previous day dug up the the official corner survey stake, for his own other purposes. So, along with measurements taken from our survey maps, we were able to have a very good idea of the boundary location. (Interestingly, the same day, right across the street another neighbor had professional surveyors over to re-find their boundaries in order to get a permit for a new out-building.) AFTER my handyman friend, Skyler, had put most of the posts in the ground (with cement), per our agreement with my neighbor, the neighbor came out and wanted them moved further into my property (earlier he had off-handedly mentioned that he ‘sues people,' so I wanted to proceed with great care!) We put the project on hold while we all did more research into our county “rules.”
It was revealed that our fence location was perfectly allowable (several inches inside the property boundary), yet still the neighbor was clearly wanting to nudge it in further. I began to understand that his anxiety was due to some future plans he had for his side, which now suddenly felt potentially compromised. Skyler did what he reasonably could to nudge back the posts that were not yet cemented in, and to make a couple of other special adjustments to keep the straight line, thus keeping the entire fence a minimum of 2-5 inches in on my side of the boundary (more than is required, which is “0” inches). The neighbor was relentless with his repeat measurements, even banging his own stakes in where he considered the boundary to be. We honored his stakes, and completed the fence. I haven’t heard from the neighbor, but in a few days I will check in with him, and hopefully he will have made peace with the new fence reality.
At my old house, the very tall barrier fence works out rather well for the neighbor on the adjacent parcel (my former partner), since he prioritizes the freedom to do as he wishes on his land, with less risk of it bothering his neighbors. From my perspective, both of these fences represent an attempt to claim a healthy boundary right away, one a little more serious of intent, but not necessarily fearful, just indicative of that couple’s level of privacy desire.
So, when do boundary needs bleed into territorial fear? I’d say my neighbor’s lack of trust that his property would be fully honored was a fearful reaction, especially given how cooperative, friendly and transparent we were being. And, this fear had him eventually almost bullying us to move further over than was required, so that he would have the sense of territorial control that he desired. I felt some compassion, when he explained how he might have misjudged the space he would need for his trailer-storage plans when he had installed some big plantings in his yard. Yet, I was prepared to stand my ground - with grace and a bit of flexibility - to claim what was rightly mine.
My curious brain couldn’t help wandering into all the possible comparisons or metaphors for all the different kinds of boundaries we play with in our lives and relationships. What metaphorical ‘fences’ do we erect around ourselves? How high? How thick? How porous, or how impenetrable? How much do we value these boundaries, and how will we enforce them? What are we willing to trade for them? What messages are we attempting to send - to ourselves and/or to others? What are we trying to protect or preserve, and why? When is it an act of love, and when is it a reaction of fear? If it is fear, what exactly are we afraid of?
I think these are helpful questions to ask ourselves, each time we feel an intuitive, instinctive, or knee-jerk need for a boundary of any kind. I think most of us struggle with requesting and maintaining loving and appropriate boundaries, in many areas of our lives. I know that I do. I have created plenty of misery (for myself or for others) when I have been either afraid to clearly request the boundaries I truly need, or when I have over-reacted fearfully. I have actually grown to enjoy the many opportunities to practice building my confidence in this important life-skill, because I genuinely crave the freedom that this kind of mastery brings. Can you find inspiration on this quest, and when the opportunities arise approach them with conscious questions, curiosity and wonder? This is my invitation to all of us today :).