I'm Sorry, Please Forgive Me,

I love you, thank you.

Some of you will recognize in the title this Hawaiian healing prayer (link to song below). It applies inwardly to the Self, and outwardly in our relation to other beings, all at once.

I am going to write today about what is alive in me right now, as I have not had the time or focus to create my usual blog for you. I have had a week full of unexpected and time-consuming daily challenges, such as protracted phone and internet service problems, and difficulties setting up home-repair projects with contractors. Nevertheless, the perfectionist part that still resides in me fully expected me not to miss a beat with any of my other commitments. Does anyone else here treat themself in this way, sometimes?

Well, there was a moment when it became all-too-clear that my expectations were not squaring with reality. I was trying to be a one-woman super-hero, and it wasn’t actually helping things. Frustration and tension were rising to an excruciating level. I had so proudly brought clarity Sunday night around some new personal goals which I was eager to put in motion, and they were not going to be met this week, after all! And it was then that I saw: the gift of A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY to find my grounded, loving and wise feminine energy, my sovereign Self, and to put her back in charge.

I knew that RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, THIS IS THE WORK. And I sat right down and I had a reckoning with myself. I felt my feelings, I recognized my ‘inner children’ wanting to take over, I saw my temptation to feel like a victim of circumstances, and I realized that the real problem, and the reason for my raging feelings, is NOT about the external conditions. The tension is really about believing that I have to endure the extreme discomfort of having to live with my own self-pressurizing, perfectionism, and masculine over-drive.

And I let go! I let go of my attempts to control the flow of business at the moment, I let go of perfectly meeting my goals, I let go of pleasing others perfectly, and I got clear that what I REALLY want, what I really need, is to prioritize healing and mastering the INNER flow of energies in me, right in the moments when I am faced with these types of challenges from the outer world that I cannot control.

Technology failures are not the problem. Business interruptions are not the problem. Powerlessness to fix these things is not the problem. The problem is when my inner children are allowed to have the upper hand. The problem is when my ‘shadow’ parts run the show and throw my whole self out of whack. I am talking about the unhealed parts we all have, those parts of us that are demanding or entitled or critical or insecure or needy or controlling, or many other unsavory traits.

And the solution is to realize that taking a time-out to bring myself back into balance is THE most important and helpful thing to do in these situations. This is the solution that Love always wants for me.

So as I felt the stress mounting in me I paused deeply, brought presence and conscious breath, placed a hand on my heart, and reminded myself that EVERYONE IS DOING THEIR BEST. It worked like magic!! Instead of being frustrated at the carpenters coming a day and a half late (which now has an impact on the person who needs the room they are working in), I knew they were doing their best to get to my projects (I know them, and they are trustworthy people).

I then reminded myself that I am also doing my best to move this project along, and there are many elements beyond my personal control. No sense in worrying about those. And I reminded myself that the person moving into the space has been made well aware of the transition we are trying to do extra quickly to meet her needs, and she has already shared her understanding and willingness to navigate the messiness with us.

I let go of a lot of tension then. When the carpenters did finally arrive, I greeted them cheerfully. I let the new tenant know the reality of the project timelines, without bringing any negativity to it at all, just reality. This felt really good....a true lightening in my being - it's not for me to control! I am taking appropriate steps in my domain, and allowing others to do the same. The carpenters I have hired have proven their worth to me in the past, and I can trust them to do so again. I don't need to meddle or chase. WHEW. That brings relief to my soul.

It is a very beautiful thing to hold myself in such a way that I do not get sucked into the stresses playing out all around me. I remember Brene Brown sharing that when her husband was asked how does he know for certain that “everyone is doing their best,” he replied "I don't! But when I believe they are, it makes my life a whole lot easier."

Substack just informed me that I have published weekly without pause for 30 weeks, putting me in their upper echelon of writer consistency. I considered taking a week off due to the stressors this week, and I trust that my readers would forgive me, but as I felt into that idea, I was moved to simply drop into sharing my current inner process with you…what is alive in me right now. I hope someone finds value in this spontaneous and somewhat vulnerable share, and I would really love to hear from you!

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