Maybe that feels like an oxymoron, but I will shed light on what I mean by this title. I can fairly confidently say that you, like me, have tossed lots of things to the wind in times of extra stress and over-busyness. We use stress, or extra-ordinary commitments, as an excuse to dodge or disrupt our healthy rhythms and self-care routines, sometimes even savoring a break from those routines and ‘obligations.’ It can be nice to feel entitled to blow off emails, miss deadlines, grab processed foods on the go, and skip our exercise program.
I think it’s fun to explore different angles in looking at this phenomenon. I find it valuable to assess all the different facets of my life from the perspective of whether I am doing each thing from a place of inspiration and desire, or out of a sense of obligation and ‘should.’ You would think that the things in the second category, the ‘should’ category, would be most readily tossed aside at the first seemingly legitimate excuse. However I find that many of us are just as likely (or even more likely) to give up our true desires when we find ourselves swamped with over-busyness.
When this happens - when we too readily sacrifice our most genuinely inspired or desired activities, and again and again use up all our time and energy for the day on ‘urgent’ tasks, we suffer the pain of this self-abandonment.
There may be a variety of reasons for this kind of self-abandonment: perhaps we tend toward perfectionism or people-pleasing, and the need to satisfy this compulsion tends to supersede our own deeper desires; perhaps we don’t have a strong faith in ourselves, and so we relegate our desires and inspirations as unworthy of our full commitment; or perhaps we are subconsciously afraid of our own light, our own true power, and afraid to step up and possibly ‘fail.’ Usually without realizing we are doing it, we choose the narrative that says that we really have little fair choice in the matter because, after all, we are SO BUSY putting out the ‘urgent fires' of life.
The truth is, we ALL are faced with a huge variety of potentially overwhelming demands of daily living. Virtually everyone has a seemingly convincing story of overwhelm, at least at times. The overload of demands is sometimes real, and sometimes imagined. It’s hard for us to see when it’s imagined, because we may be attached to a story to justify our overwhelm and provide an excuse for the other balls we know we are dropping, and the ways we know we are sabotaging our full potential.
Byron Katie’s “The Work” provides one strategy for determining the validity of our overwhelm. She uses a series of 4 simple questions to apply to a stressful thought: 1. Is it true? 2. Can I absolutely know that it’s true? 3. Who am I (how do I feel and act) when I believe that it’s true? 4. Who can I be (what opens up or becomes possible for me) when I let go of this thought? https://thework.com/instruction-the-work-byron-katie/
A sample thought might be: “I must get all of this done today!” Next time you feel stressed by that thought, apply the 4 questions and notice what happens. There is more to Byron Katie’s process, such as finding a ‘turn-around’ of the thought, which in this case could be: “I don’t have to get all of this done today!” and then recalling several scenarios for yourself where that has been the case, such as the time when you saved some of the work for another day and everything worked out fine, or the time when you delegated some of the work to another person and everything worked out great, or the time when it simply didn’t get done, and things turned out fine anyway.
What all this does is it pokes holes in the original stressful thought that your powerful imagination was convincing you was so real, thus provoking your stress response. This process of examining the stressful thought takes away its power over you, and you become able to see, possibly even with a sense of humor (sometimes), what you’ve been doing to yourself.
Sometimes this is all it takes to release the stress and catapult the person into a happier, healthier space. Sometimes, however, it reveals feelings that are begging to be acknowledged, and it is important to take a time-out to listen and feel them. It can feel sad to realize how we have been treating ourself: we may feel some shame around this, and/or some long-buried grief may finally come to the surface to be felt. It’s okay! You are in good company - I believe that virtually everyone treats themself in this way sometimes - inventing a self-pressurizing or self-frightening story that feels real and causes some version of self-abandonment.
Another interesting angle is to examine how we actually feel about the healthy things we say we will commit to doing for ourselves. Ask yourself, WHY do you want to be healthy and have a happy, healthy lifestyle? WHY do you want to eat only healthy food, exercise daily, spend quality time with friends and family, indulge your creativity, meditate, relax and rejuvenate, play, or walk barefoot in the forest? How deeply do these things matter to you, what benefits do you desire and why, and what are you truly willing to trade for them?
If any of our healthy choices are coming from a place of ‘should’ rather than from true, deeply felt and nurtured inspiration and a happy sense of ‘could,’ we will be far more likely to lop them off when the going gets tough, or stress takes over.
When I feel extra stressed (and I do, sometimes!), I am likely to double-down on making sure that certain commitments to self-care remain my priority. I have learned how extra-essential these commitments become when I am faced with extra-ordinary stressors. Yes, there are days when I don’t take as good care of myself, but I simply will not allow that to stretch out over several days, because I know how self-destructive that double-whammy of stress can become, and I don’t want to lose my benefits.
I am INSPIRED to eat and live in a very healthy way, because I LOVE how it feels! It’s as simple and direct as that. I deeply, truly DESIRE that powerful benefit. I love to feel energized all day, and to know easily and intimately my joyful connection to the God-Source. I have kept a steady commitment for long enough to feel the benefits, and to KNOW in my cells what this is worth to me.
Every time we choose to hold boundaries around steadily prioritizing our most basic daily self-care and connection to Source, over and above the endlessly shifting and passing surface-demands and stories of daily life, we participate in LOVE, and we show ourself how much we value ourself (and others!). It has been my experience that this is anything but selfish, because the result of this practice is an ‘overflowing cup’ of love and generosity with others. There may be a learning curve to developing an appropriate and beloved rhythm of self-care and connection, that you actually enjoy and look forward to - find mentors, stick with the learning process, and soon you will revel in a new and happy confidence and resilience.
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